Can you believe some poor idiots are stationed on Hoth right now?

Oh, man. We lucked out, dude. The South Padre Sector is the hottest spring break destination in the galaxy, and we’re patrolling for rebel scum! I love this job, man, I LOVE this job! Could you imagine if that big black mouth breathin’ scumbag tried to ship us off to Tatooine or something? I’d be like, “I got the droids you’re looking for right here, pal!”

I heard from my pal Jerry in the 6002nd Division, he said they’re having to slice open Tauntauns and sleep inside ‘em to keep warm. I told him the only thing I’m slicin’ open is another lime for my Corona and he just snapped his hologram off. The poor son of a b*&^%! I told him signing up for AT-AT patrol was a mistake. He was all, “Dude, they’re so cool!” and I was like, “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Dude! DUDE! Wet t-shirt contest goin’ down at Señor Womp Rat’s! They waive the cover fee for dudes with military ID. Let’s see if we can get a seat by the main stage! Oh, “Admiral this, Admiral that!” Screw what the Admiral says, for once! Let’s have some fun, man. Chicks dig the plastic armor, bro. I’m tellin’ you.

Wear this shirt: On May the 4th, duh.

Don’t wear this shirt: Around the Death Star. We’re pretty sure they don’t even HAVE casual Friday.

This shirt tells the world: “Sure, intergalactic civil war is kinda interesting, but I’m more intrigued by the day to day realities of life in the Empire.”

We call this color: Han slate first.

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