1st place in Derby #249: Astronomy, with 660 votes!

Grasping star systems is WAY harder than you think.

When I first planned to grasp some star systems, I was like “Oh, piece of cake.” I just need to reach in and grasp them as hard as I could, right? WRONG. Turns out that when you do that, they just slip through your fingers! In fact, there seems to be some kind of inverse relationship between tightness of grip and number of star systems grasped.

The trick with barehanded star system grasping is you have to tickle them before you grasp them. I know that might sound silly, but it really works! You just reach down slowly into the vicinity of the most outlying star, and carefully move toward the sensitive underbelly. Then just give a couple of light tickling motions and the whole star system will become docile and easily graspable.

Now, I’m just simple man with cartoonishly pronounced cheekbones. I don’t know a lot about fancy poltical tactics. But I know there’s a lot to be learned from this home-spun anecdote about solar-system tickling.

So please vote for me. I would hate to fall back on any alternative forms of persuasion to convince you.

Wear this shirt: to camouflage yourself against the darkness of the universe.

Don’t wear this shirt: near the location of any hidden rebel bases.

This shirt tells the world: “I just devoured some worlds and boy is my Power Cosmic stuffed.”

We call this color: Blackbody

Back to top