3rd Place in Derby #279: Food, Guest Editor Wirdou's pick!

The "Free Continental Breakfast" is the biggest scam perpetrated on this country in decades. It sounds so refined, so dignified. "Continental Breakfast," the hotel chains blare in their advertising. And free! It sounds so delightful! A breakfast worthy of a mainland European! Maybe it's even the SIZE of a continent! Think about that!

But unless you've actually traveled to Europe and seen for yourself, you're in for a rude awakening when you come down from your hotel room in the morning to see that sorry ass amalgamation of cold cereal, yogurt, and danish. Maybe, MAYBE if you're lucky you'll get a hard boiled egg.

WTF, Europe?! Take it from us, the country literally dying from decadence: breakfast should have eggs, hash browns, gravy, at least three types of cured, salted meat, toast, and cheese. Lots of cheese.

Wear this shirt: In sullen, silent protest in the lobby of the Holiday Inn Express as you wait for your bagel to toast.

Don't wear this shirt: To continental Europe. They're gonna make fun of you.

This shirt tells the world: "I'm a well-traveled connoisseur of early-morning binging."

We call this color: Hashed Brown

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