As I look back over a long life now nearing its end, I have but one regret: I wish I’d watched more TV.

When I think of how hard all those people worked to bring me just a little bit of pleasure, I feel like such a fool for letting those hours of programming slip away. So many options on basic cable alone… and where was I? Caught up in petty trivialities like raising children and pursuing new experiences and achieving success in my work. What an idiot I’ve been!

Look, once you’ve felt one sloppy toddler kiss on your cheek, once you’ve visited one Tuscan village, they’re all pretty much the same. But TV is ever-changing, always unexpected, infinitely variable: which Becky will we see on Roseanne today?

Good thing there’s a TV in this hospital room. I can never make up for my decades of neglect, but it’s something. Now be quiet – this might be the last half-hour I ever have with Judge Joe Brown.

Wear this shirt: after you sign off for the night, as an alternative to the politically sensitive Indian Head Test Pattern.

Don’t wear this shirt: without a digital converter.

This shirt tells the world: “Ned’s Atomic Dustbin had it backwards.”

We call this color: The Screen Went Black.

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