People of earth, you have forced my hand!
Tremble before the power of…MOON THIEF!
Ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, you have dawdled long enough. My demands are simple: the nations of the world must submit entirely to me as the new leader of the entire planet. Otherwise, you will be without your most precious satellite.
“We’ve heard your ‘proposal,’ Mr. Uh…”
MOON THIEF! There is no “Mr.” in it! I am a thief of moons, therefore I am Moon Thief!
“Fine. Moon Thief. We just, uh, we feel like we’re okay with losing the moon.”
Wh- WHAT?! Are you people IDIOTS?! It’s the freaking MOON! You’re just gonna let me TAKE IT?!
“To be honest, we thought it over, and while we agree it’ll be a big change and somewhat jarring, we’ll be all right.”
But you’ll forever look to the night sky and see nothing!
“That already happens a few times a month.”
“More if it gets cloudy.”
What about plate tectonics?!
“Well, we already have earthquakes with the moon, so that’s not really an incentive.”
“And if we’re being totally honest, we’re pretty curious as to how you’re going to move it and where you’re going to take it.”
“Yeah, we kinda want to see how something like that works.”
“The dude from Germany suggested you could throw it into the sun and it would look really cool.”
“Ooh, yeah, I’d like to see that.”
“Me too.”
You fools! What about your precious tides?!
“Oh, right. Here’s where we had a dissenting vote. Dave from Canada said he’d be mighty upset if the tide books weren’t so reliable for halibut fishing, but we’re gonna pitch in and buy him a new rod and tackle set, so he said he’d let it slide.”
Fine! I’m doing it, then! NO MORE MOON FOR YOU!
“Hey, you kinda sound like that Soup Nazi guy from that Seinfeld show!”
DAMMIT WILL YOU JUST FIND ME MENACING FOR ONCE?!
Wear this shirt: To bed. It’s so apropos!
Don’t wear this shirt: While trying to intimidate an assembly of world leaders and dignitaries. It’s not particularly tough-looking.
This shirt tells the world: “Yeah, it makes me think of that Ernie song, too.”
We call this color: Navying Gibbous
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