BEEEEP Hey, Bill, it’s Harold. Listen, I don’t know why you aren’t interested in this latest script…

Look, man, it’s great that you’re a “serious actor” now, but not everybody rates an Internet meme about meeting strangers in airports, you know? Like, Dan’s got the vodka and Sigourney’s got that space cartoon, but I’m not getting any younger, Bill, you know? And poor Ernie! Do you even know what happened to him? He’s on Torchwood, Bill! Torchwood!

Look, I can appreciate that you think you’re a brand or something, but come down from that ivory tower, you know? Stop acting like you didn’t do Garfield and help me out, man! I’ve got this great story, it’s this mix between Tron: Legacy and Dawn Of The Dead, all set inside an 80s style computer world where consumerism is… hey, okay, I didn’t want to mention this on the phone, but I can get you a scene with Tiger Woods. Like, you know, your character stumbles into a golf game before the credits, and then you just make jokes on the links while everyone else tries to rescue you. See? Like Caddyshack meets Lost In Translation! Except with ghosts!

Call me back, okay, Bill? Please? I’ve got a car payment at the end of the week and if I can tell them this is on, they’ll give me another month.

Wear this shirt: and ask for a quarter. Not only will it be clever, but you’ll probably also get rich.

Don’t wear this shirt: if your name is Clyde or Sue.

This shirt tells the world: “With ghosts, there’s only a short window of opportunity. After that, you’ve just gotta avoid them or die.”

We call this color: We Were Hoping This Would Be On “Bobby” Brown But No, It’s Just On Asphalt

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