Baby, if I could change the alphabet I’d put “u” and “nicycle” together. Because Nicycle’s had a crush on you forever. Just think it over is all I’m saying.

“I know, I know, there’s someone out there for everyone. But, Tri, maybe I don’t want that person, did you ever think of that? I mean, really, I’m not a young form of transportation any more. I had my fun, sure, when I was younger it was all carnies and college kids, but now it seems like, I don’t know, like every time I’m just leaning against a tree it’s an excuse for some idiot juggler to walk over and try and just, you know, climb on. I’m not like you, Tri, everybody loves you. You’re so stable, you’re good with kids, you’re easy to get along with, you could probably fit into some extreme sport competition if you wanted. Me, I’m very specific. It takes a while to figure me out. And by that time, you might as well, I don’t know, get a four wheeler or something faster. It’s not that I’m giving up on love or anything, it’s just… well, I want to feel like I can matter to someone that matters. Does that make any sense? I want someone who makes me feel like I’m not just a desperate freak. Does that make me selfish? Really? Yeah, I can hear them in the background there. Those kids really love you, don’t they? You’re so lucky. I guess I should go too. Hey, thanks for letting me talk, okay? I’ll try to meet you for lunch later in the week. Yeah, you too. Bye bye.”

Wear this shirt: if you want to talk to people. Or if you really like unicycles.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re not single. How hard is that? Don’t ruin it for everyone by being an ironic jerkface. Put the shirt in the back of your closet or tell your partner that you want to start seeing other people.

This shirt tells the world: “This is gonna seem a lot better in ‘Ladies XXS’ than it will in ‘Men’s 4XL’.”

We call this color: Red-y To Go

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