“Oh, bother!” Diana said as the clock struck nine. “Stood up again!” Diana sighed and walked to the window, for, as she was a unicorn, the sky itself was her fridge. Soon it was eleven-thirty, her Sex And The City DVD was ending, and the floor was littered with shimmering multi-colored crumbs. She had eaten the whole thing without meaning to, yet again.
Diana looked at herself in the mirror, the warm hydrogen making her head spin. “God, I’m so disgusting,” she told her tipsy reflection. “Who could ever love me?” Diana nibbled at the edge of a leftover star while promising herself it would all change on Saturday. “Salads,” she swore, “Salads undressed.” She felt optimistic. Ten quick sit-ups helped. She wrote them down in a little notebook and updated her MySpace to read “Diana is turning a new leaf!” By July she would be the one standing them up!
An hour later, Diana lay awake looking at the ceiling. She had done this all before, so many times. She worried it was about to all happen again. She felt like she had so much to share and wondered if she’d ever find anyone to share it with. Surely he was still out there, wasn’t he? Surely he was still looking for her. She had made that one, youthful mistake that one, accidental time, but It had been Spring Break, and in Vegas, couldn’t he forgive her? Couldn’t he understand? Couldn’t he still appear at twilight to lay his shining head in her almost-perfect lap?
“Oh, bother!” Diana whispered to herself as she adjusted the pillow beneath her horn, “Oh, bother!”
Wear this shirt: to a biker bar when you’re feeling troubled that you never find a reason to use your black belt in Jeet Koon Do. Maybe also kick over a few motorcycles on the way in just to be sure.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re going to over-read the traditionally colored masculine symbol of the unicorn eating the well-known rainbow which has become symbolic of tolerating diversity across gender and sexuality as an affirmation of the dominance of the pre-existing white male hegemony. Take that hot mess back to Yale Art School.
This shirt tells the world: “Mmumph mmupmh mormph mmupmh.”
We call this color: Krampus Egg Green.
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