I get these stupid legs.

I’m tellin’ you, Gary, we have lost the genetic lottery. No fangs, no heat-sensing pits, no sonar. Even our method of locomotion is boring! I want a means of conveyance that involves gliding or riding along currents that propel me. I want to wheel around in the sky. I want to explode from the inky depths into the blinding light before crashing back into the sea!

But no. I have these two stupid legs and I walk around everywhere like a jerk. I’ll never soar above the cliffs. I’ll never glide silently through the black-as-midnight deep. I’ll just sit on the couch and eat Funyuns. Sometimes I feel like the world is out to get me, Gary.

Oh, right, like I’m gonna swim with these stupid arms!

Wear this shirt: To the beach. Maybe the sea creatures will take a choreographic hint.

Don’t wear this shirt: In the desert.

This shirt tells the world: “Who says nature has to be cruel?”

We call this color: Heather Gray Whale

Back to top