Hello, I’m Ken Kensan from the Chopstick Advisory Council. Of course, we all enjoy sporks and the humor they bring, and we all can agree they have their place. But that place ends where chopsticks begin. Don’t believe me? Consider the following.

First, imagine a wise old master in his dojo. He teaches his students to better themselves each and every day. Now he sees a fly. With lightning reflexes he grabs into the air, catching it… with a spork? No way. A master like that would be shamed. He’d be reduced to taking minor entertainment jobs in cheap National Lampoon movies as “third guy who gets hit in testicles” or “eighth ninja from left who gets hit in testicles”.

Now picture a scholar. He is debating the finer points of political theory with his colleagues. He goes to make a point while holding his next bite of chicken. With chopsticks, this is easy, and classy looking too! But with a spork, the scholar’s now lost his lunch, and the colleagues need new shirts.

These are just two of the many examples which illustrate why, if you absolutely need new chopsticks, you should just go out and buy new chopsticks! Please remember: the spork is a tool, but chopsticks are a way of life. Thanks for your time.

Wear this shirt: if you’ve ever gone to a KFC with red marker and a green marker and grabbed a bunch of their plastic cutlery and made a bouquet of tulips for someone you care about. Also if you use that idea, you have to buy a shirt or else we can sue you for piracy.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re just spork curious. A shirt like this makes a real statement about what you want to put in your mouth.

This shirt tells the world: “Are you mothersporkers ready? For the new stick?”

We call this color: Better Fed Than Red