2nd place in Derby #208: Four, with 926 votes!

Can you believe some people still subscribe to these prehistoric modes of thought? It’s 2011! I’m a free thinker; I got a sticker of a fish with legs eating a wizard hat to prove it. I don’t need your weekly rituals and magic lessons; I subscribe to this message board full of people who don’t believe in any magical houses either, and they can’t agree with me enough. Your beliefs are outmoded.

Let me just get this straight: You people actually believe that hundreds of years ago these four people founded these houses, and that if you do well you get rewarded with points and if you do bad things you lose points? And you teach your children this? Unbelievable! Literally, I cannot believe this stuff. You act like it’s some great system of ideals, but what’s the difference between the Dark Arts zealots attacking Muggles and the crazed, scarf-wearing nut-jobs telling me that I’m doomed if I don’t join their House?

Look, I was raised Hufflepuff. But I grew up and I realized it’s not for me. I know it helps a lot of people in their lives or whatever, but you can’t deny it hurts people too. And that’s all I’m saying; that your beliefs are ridiculous and offensive and if I were in charge it’d be illegal.

Wait. Where are you going? I thought we were having a discussion!

Wear this shirt: While playing Exploding Snap.

Don’t wear this shirt: Under your invisibility cloak. What’s the point?

This shirt tells the world: “I’d have bought this even if they decided to split it into two parts for a couple extra bucks.”

We call this color: I can do this too: Henry Potsdam and the Enchanted Olive. There. Where’s my multi-million dollar film license?

Back to top