1st place in Derby #268: Crosshatch Rehash, with 499 votes!

Everybody knows the old hypothetical scenario in which a bunch of monkeys typing randomly on typewriters would someday compose the works of William Shakespeare. But you might not realize that they would also compose the works of William Shakespeare with CRAZY SURPRISE ENDINGS.

Here are just a few of the Bard's plays that would inevitably receive this simian touch-up:

Romeo And Juliet
In Act 3, Scene I, instead of saying "Get thee to a nunn'ry," Romeo says "Get thee to a Columbian drug lord's private jet." Acts IV and V take place aboard Don Raul's jet, as Juliet attempts to steer the plane into international waters, sacrificing herself but stopping a civil war that would eventually consume all of Latin America.

Julius Caesar
In Act 3, instead of assassinating Caesar, the Senators invoke an arcane clause of Roman law to censure the emperor. The rest of the play is spent delving into the minutiae of the Roman legal system.

The Winter's Tale
Instead of being a "problem play" with a narration spread over decades and resolving in a jarringly happy ending, the monkey-written version of the play is good.

Wear this shirt: if sometimes YOU feel like a monkey randomly typing on YOUR keyboard.

Don't wear this shirt: if you have a bunch of silkworms randomly spinning thread until they make a similar shirt.

This shirt tells the world: "I could have written that."

We call this color: Silver Fountains Have Mud.

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