You know what’s missing from the holiday season? Unimaginable horror.

Parents, let’s be honest. The threat of coal no longer works. No matter how low the kids’ math scores are, no matter how many times you’ve told them to clean their rooms only to be ignored, they know as well as you do that they are still going to have presents under the tree. Even if you actually go through with it, the biggest reaction you’ll get is a snicker, a smirk, and a “Cute, Mom. Now make with the Xbox.” What’s the parent of a pampered American brat to do?

Let’s take a page from the people of Old Europe. For hundreds of years, they’ve relied on good old fashion fear to keep their children in line. Fear of this switch-swingin’, kid-snatchin’ goat demon, the Krampus.

You see, long ago, Santa had himself a dark helper who would go door to door with him on his gift-giving mission. When he arrived, if you were a good boy or girl, you’d get a nice present. If you were bad, Old St. Nick would sigh, shake his head, and then sic his demon assistant on you. The naughty child would then be terrorized, beaten, locked in chains, and, as a service to the parents, I’m guessing, put in the Krampus’ own magic sack of inescapable horrors to be taken away, all while Santa finished up the cookies and milk.

Even today in some countries, men clad in goat’s fur and masks will roam the streets at Christmas time, ringing bells and rattling chains as frightened children fall to their knees begging not to be taken. Now that’s what I call pro-active community child-rearing. Sure, it’s not a tradition for everybody, but I bet the parents of those kids never have to worry about who’s going to help with the dishes over the holidays.

Wear this shirt: in line for your local mall Santa. You’re bound to get a few children asking about it, and you’ll be more than happy to tell them, won’t you?

Don’t wear this shirt: in front of your Great Uncle Olaf. His brother was taken away by a Krampus, you know.

This shirt tells the world: “Oh, you thought those hooves on the roof were reindeer. How quaint. Now get in the sack.”

We call this color: Khristmas Krampus Krimson

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