​1st Place in Derby #328: Food, with 220 votes

People say that maintaining a healthy diet is difficult, but they don't know the secret to nutritional success: Eating healthy foods that have been processed into delicious, unrecognizable forms. 

You say you have a hard time eating enough veggies every day? Quick question: Is corn a vegetable? Is any product made from corn therefore a vegetable? Using this infallible logic, you can see how drinking a can of soda covers all your daily vegetable needs! 

Likewise, we all know that milk is healthy and part of a healthy diet. Well, maybe you don't like drinking three glasses of milk a day, but do you know what comes from milk? Cheese! Can you eat three wedges of cheese per day? Thought so. 

Healthy food is all around you, so long as you know where to look. And you'd be surprised how -- hmmm … our chest feels weird. Oof, we gotta sit down for a second. Somebody call 9 …

*thump*

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