In search of the treasure of One-Eyed, Three-Toed Willie

“Sy, baby, thanks for taking my call. How’s the family? Great, great. Listen, I just had a multi-million-dollar stroke of brilliance, so of course I figured I’d pitch it to you first.

“What are the two surest moneymakers in show business? That’s right: Remakes of ‘80s entertainment properties and Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson. But suppose we can’t afford D’TR’J, which we can’t. So let’s skip to number three on the list: Cute animals.

“The way I see it, we buy up the rights to a handful of beloved old kids’ movies and TV shows, focusing on the ones that came out just long enough ago that the kids who saw ‘em the first time around are now in their thirties or so, and have a little disposable money. Maybe even kids of their own.

“Then—and here’s the really clever part, so brace yourself—we recast the picture, but with adorable furry animals in all the principle roles. Saving space maybe for an original castmember to do a cameo, if we can find one that isn’t drugged up, or fat.

“For example, maybe we remake The Bad News Bears, except this time they’re actual bears. Wouldn’t that be great! And maybe some CGI to make their mouths move or something.

“Oh, they did? With who? Billy Bob Thornton, you say? No actual bears though, I take it? Well, that seems like a missed opportunity to me.

“Whoa, hold up, hang on a minute, Sy—what did you just say?

“It’s the gooniest idea you ever heard?

“Sy, that’s it! You’re a genius!”

Wear this shirt: to cover up your booties. THAT’S WHAT I SAID!

Don’t wear this shirt: while doing the Truffle Shuffle. Proper technique is to bare the belly.

This shirt tells the world: “HEY YOU GUUUUYS!”

We call this color: Mississippi Mud, Chocolate Eruption, and Lemon

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