Breaking up with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mainly due to fear of being eaten.
Listen, Adrian, there’s no easy way to say this. I’m sorry, really, but this just isn’t working for me. I hope you’ll understand.
“What? How can you say that? I’ve gotta say this is really coming out of left field for me. What’d I do wrong?”
You didn’t do anything WRONG, Adrian. It’s just that sometimes theropods grow apart. I’m just not getting what I want out of this relationship, and it’s only fair to be up front and honest with you.
“You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?”
Oh jeez, this again. Why do you have to demonize me? Why is it so hard to just accept that we’re not the same thunder lizards we were when we met?
“Because it HURTS, Stephanie. Because for the last three years of my life you’ve been a part of it and now you’re saying that’s just over? Doesn’t that feel WRONG to you?”
Adrian, what feels wrong is that we spend more time fighting and angry with each other than we do enjoying each other’s company. We used to go out and just see where the wind would take us, but now it’s like a chore just to get you off the couch and outside! I can’t wither away like this, Adrian. I need to LIVE, and I see now that we have different ideas about what life has to offer.
“What are you talking about? I’ll go out. I’ll do stuff!”
No, Adrian. That’s exactly what you said six months ago. Nothing changed.
“Well you never suggest anything I want to do!”
You never want to do anything I suggest, Adrian. And that’s fine, really. I’ve come to terms with it. I shouldn’t resent you for not wanting to do things I enjoy any more than you should resent me for wanting to do things you don’t enjoy. It’s better this way. Really.
“Can we still be friends?”
Well, I would like that, yeah. But I think to make sure things are perfectly clear, we need some space for awhile. I don’t want to lead you on, and I don’t want to confuse myself about our relationship. We’ll be friends, definitely, but for right now I need to be on my own and meeting new people.
“I feel so…weird. Like, I’ve never been so sad, but I feel like this is supposed to happen. It feels kind of like a weight lifting, you know?”
Yeah. I know.
“Oh, you’re crying. I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be. Just hug me and I’ll be on my way.
“I’m sorry, Stephanie. I can’t do that.”
Adrian, please-
“No, I’m not trying to be difficult. The arms, remember?”
Oh. Right.
Wear this shirt: While breaking up with your sweetheart. They’ll sit up late at night crying about what happened and thinking, “Why did they wear that bizarre, inappropriate shirt?”
Don’t wear this shirt: While committing a crime. You want something tougher-looking for your mugshot.
This shirt tells the world: “I bought this after I read the title and before I looked at the design.”
We call this color: Asphaltasaurus
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