2nd place in Derby #161:Double-Take Derby 10, with 846 votes!

That’s it. I’m done with women. Meet my new girlfriend, Mathematica.

Mathematica never expects me to “just know” that the dishes need doing. Mathematica never expects me to sit there for two hours with her creepy brother while she looks at bridal magazines with her aunts. Mathematica never, ever tells me everything’s OK when it’s not, and then sits there and lets me squirm while I try to figure out what’s bothering her.

With Mathematica, I always know where I stand. So what if she cannot offer me the physical warmth and emotional companionship of a real woman? I’ve always preferred the life of the mind. Let the others wallow in the inexact, messy world of feelings. Me, I’ll be exploring the deep, profound connections of the world of numbers, as beautiful as any woman’s smile, as all-encompassing as any woman’s embrace, as perfect as any the silky, unblemished skin of any woman-

Oh, my God. I’ve made a terrible mistake. C’mon, Amy, pick up your phone.

Wear this shirt: if you believe in the transitive property of love: one man and one woman equals one soul united for infinity. (Just don’t ask us to show our work.)

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re the kind of scientific genius who’s too wrapped up in your little math problems to give your lady or man the kind of sweet, sweet loving that he or she deserves.

This shirt tells the world: “Coefficients forever, codependent never!”

We call this color: Olivegebra.

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