Okay, I’m admittedly new at this, but I think we have bad news.
3rd place in Derby #214: Double-Take Derby 14, with 619 votes!
Ms. Hernandez, I appreciate your patience throughout this ordeal. I know it must be hell on earth for a mother to see her son so sick and not know what to do about it.
“Please, Doctor Raskind. We’re so desperate. Jaime’s a good boy. We just want him to grow up safe and healthy and happy. I’ll do anything.”
So will I, Ms. Hernandez. So will I.
“Please. Call me Veronica. You’re like a part of our family now, Dr. Raskind. In fact, we’ve seen you more than any of our other relatives these last few months. We know you’re working your very hardest, doing all that you can. And we love you for it, like you’re one of us.”
Ms. He- Veronica, that’s the most beautiful thing a patient has ever said to me. Thank you, truly. I promise you I will do my utmost to live up to the honor you’ve bestowed upon me with your words.
“You said the tests have revealed something?”
Yes. Now, as I mentioned in our first conversation, I’m pretty new when it comes to gel electrophoresis-
“We have no insurance. You were the only doctor we could afford to see.”
I know. And I’ve done my absolute best on your son’s case. Which is why I can say with reasonable certainty that I have found the underlying cause of his condition.
“Truly?! Can this be?! It’s a miracle! Oh, Doctor, this is great news! But- is it…is it treatable?”
I’m afraid that part may be more difficult. It seems that Jaime is, genetically speaking, a variation of Pygmy Marmoset. I’ve never seen anything like it, to be honest, and I’m not sure how to proceed with any sort of treatment.
It’s basically a tiny monkey.
“You ran three months’ worth of tests, took pints of blood and thousands of dollars to tell me my son is a marmoset?”
I’m afraid when you remove the impossible, whatever solution remains, however improbable, is the truth.
“I don’t think that’s how that quote goes. Are you honestly a geneticist?”
Yes! Well I will be once I graduate. I- oh, I think I see the problem.
I was holding this thing upside down. Maybe he’s a fruit fly? Hang on a sec.
Wear this shirt: Or use it as a sieving medium. Whichever.
Don’t wear this shirt: If you’re going to cry the first time someone asks why you have an extra chromosome on your shirt. They’re messing with you!
This shirt tells the world: “Rock out with your nucleic acids out!”
We call this color: Coomassie Brilliant Black
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