3rd place in Derby #216: Household Chores, with 963 votes!

No one can predict the future. And the past gives us the haughty perspective of gods as we watch events unfold with the certainty and knowledge of their consequences. But there are events that occur, sometimes deliberately and other times as consequences of the random chaos of our universe, that can propel individuals, societies, or even entire species forward. For mankind, an increased diet of meat allowed our brains to grow and develop at incredible rates, furthering our ability to use and create tools. With this knowledge we were able to anticipate and solve problems as we conquered the land, and no animal since has risen to our level of domination in the world.

For some, biology simply forbids it. The primitive brain structures of worms and most insects, for instance, allows only a finite amount of thinking power. For others, new obstacles have arisen to make their rise to dominance that much more impossible. I speak, of course, of dogs and vacuums.

For thousands of years dogs have lived at our sides, among our families, as trusted companions, hard-working helpers, and loyal protectors. But for the last few decades they have lived in fear of a monster lurking in our closets: the vacuum. Maybe it’s the noise. Maybe it’s the vibration through the floor. Maybe it’s the combination or some other factor we don’t yet know about. Actually, we’re pretty sure it’s the noise. Anyway, dogs freak the hell out at the sight of a vacuum cleaner.

And that weakness has allowed their nemesis, the common house cat, to rise to prominence. Unencumbered by fear or even basic interest in most things humans have in the home, the cat can move freely through the house even in times of cleaning. This gives it an evolutionary advantage over dogs, as it can seek out food while the dog is busy freaking out in the bedroom and howling at the Kirby.

Of course, none of it really matters since we spay and neuter them all these days anyway, but it’s more fun to think about than vacuuming.

Wear this shirt: While recording the seven minute intro to your 23-second YouTube video of your cat riding your robot vacuum.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you actually have a cat and a dog, because it’s just going to be covered in fur.

This shirt tells the world: “Why yes, I am single. What does that have to do with a bet your friend made with you?”

We call this color: Red rover red rover there’s pet hair all over.

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