If the good lord hadn’t meant for us to chop up our friends and burn them for heat, he wouldn’t have made them out of wood.

3rd place in Derby #78: Winter , with 885 votes!

I’m sorry, Elmer. There’s only so much winter weather a fellow can take. I needed to get the ol’ sap running again, you know? I wish there had been another way. You know I looked up to you. I mean, you’ve stood by me for years. We even cooperated on that hammock project for a while. But I was always kind of in your shadow, you know? I mean, you have to admit there’s always been this distance between us. After all, real friends don’t give each other cut-downs, right? But I tell you, Elmer—I’m finally really warming up to you. I’ll think of you every time I hear the Boss’s song “I’m On Fire,” or Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin’ For You,” or that Jimi Hendrix one about “let me stand… next to your…”

Oh, no; what have I done?

Wear this shirt: to split firewood, preferably at our house, where there’s tons of firewood to split, and we’re kind of tired of doing it ourselves.

Don’t wear this shirt: without several other layers when you come over to split our firewood. It’s January, you know.

This shirt tells the world: “My favorite tree is ash.”

We call this color: White Oak.

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