1st place in Derby #217: Hipster Animals, with 1029 votes!

Yeah, there used to be this place, right? It was this organic food festival, and it was totally in the middle of nowhere. I’d go out there some days with these college girls, you know, just hang out on the Wi-Fi listening to KCRW and talking about the subtitles of Kid A. And there was one, we called her Flopsie, she’d been a barista in Portland, and she had this wicked sleeve and every Scott Pilgrim. So I was going to the unicycle store when I saw her crying on the steps of Mopsie’s place, that’s a girl we both dated at different times, and I was like “Flopsie, what is it?” and she was all “The Garden! It got taken over! They closed it, Petey! They closed it behind a fence! With a ‘Post No Flyers’ sign, so we can’t even advertise our band!”

And so I was mad, because how dare they, right? Some old couple coming in and gentrifying what was basically a living work of art, like, that’s wrong! So I was gonna sneak in, and take a bite out of all the squash, but then I saw the great big fence and the dog and, like, I don’t want to get all Guantanamoed. So instead I just Facebooked that I was starting my protest and got Flopsie to take off her shirt and write DOWN WITH MACGREGOR’S GARDEN across her belly and guess what! 3500 likes just over night! Which means there’s no WAY anyone I know is ever going in that place again.

And anyway, I’m thinking about giving up squash. After I finished this book on Leonard Peltier I’m worried eating it oppresses native cultures.

Wear this shirt: much faster by selecting overnight shipping! It’ll cost more, but then in a few weeks you can say you were wearing it before anyone else was, and that now it’s just not the same scene.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you think that’s a Pikachu. A Pikachu would have a potato hat. Don’t you ever read about physics?

This shirt tells the world: “You know what’s totally underground? Carrots. Except for their green tops, those are pretty mainstream, I admit. But, like, even F’d Up puts their name on the sign, right?”

We call this color: Asphalt. But that’s because we met at a Lips show and really hit it off. You can’t just walk up and start calling it that, probably get smacked in the teeth.

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