Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak? Then take “Just Friends” and get out of the way.

Little Candy Hearts With Words On Them are the perfect symbol for Valentine’s Day. Why, you ask? That’s easy. They taste awful, they cost money, and the ones nobody wants are left at the bottom to give away to the people who show up late or to whom you are obligated to give candy in some Socialist grade school attempt to fight Darwinism. Really? “Meh”? Wow, thanks, thanks for even thinking of me up there on your perfect flawless little fluffy cloud! Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too!

But even though it is easy, you can’t blame the consumer. What we learned from the Eighties is that you have to chase the supplier. So what’s up, Little Candy Hearts With Words On Them manufacturers? What made you want to insult a percentage of your customers with words like “Meh” and “No Way” and “Un Loved”? Was it the rush of power? The feeling that you’re finally the alpha dog? The secret knowledge that no one would care about these damn things unless they carried a feeling of exclusivity? Maybe you should concentrate less on social manipulation, Little Candy Hearts With Words On Them manufacturers, and focus on making the world a better place.

Wear this shirt: during a total eclipse. You’ll have to explain it and no one will laugh but at least you will have tried.

Don’t wear this shirt: and think it replaces healthy eating, exercise, and regular visits to a cardiologist.

This shirt tells the world: “I’ve got a heart on!”

We call this color: Brownlintines Day. And we’re not apologizing for that, either.

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