1st place in Derby #218: New Landmarks, with 637 votes!
Greetings, and welcome to Meaty Bun-Bun’s™ United States of America! Whether you’ve come here as a tourist, a citizen, or a person desperately seeking asylum from an oppressive foreign regime we may or may not have sold arms to, we hope your Melts-A-Lot Chocolates™-sponsored stay is a pleasant one! Be sure to take in all that our incredible country has to offer, including Harris Oil’s™ Washington Monument, Mango Incorporated’s™ Grand Canyon, and the awe-inspiring Yellowstone National Park, brought to you by Yum Snacks’ family of flavored potato and corn chips! Just don’t forget to visit the Shop-Mart™ Constitution before you go!
And don’t worry about feeling lost or confused while traveling within our borders. We’ve taken great stride in homogenizing our culture to be as comfortable and accessible as possible, ensuring you get the exact same experience no matter what Trustus Bank™-sponsored state you’re in. That Meaty Bun Burger™ you eat once you step off the plane will taste just the same as the one you have a week, month, or year from now! Each Shop-Mart’s™ familiar layout will be just as sterile and inoffensive as the one you visited before. Every gas station, every coffee shop, even every neighborhood bar has been carefully stripped of any character or charm and infused with a marketing think tank’s version of an “atmosphere” to make you feel great about spending your money on sub-par goods and services, and it’s all thanks to the Corporations that saved this country from its wretched individualistic self.
Once again, thank you for Protractor & Gimble™ Airlines, and don’t forget to pick up your Rain Forest Retailers’™ coupon and deals basket as you deboard.
Wear this shirt: so that you don’t get all the chili-cheese goo that pours out of the sides of you burger on your chest.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re still calling them Freedom Fries.
This shirt tells the world: “Give me your tired, your poor, a couple of bacon double cheeseburgers, and a large diet soda.”
We call this color: Each Kid’s Meal Comes With A Special Royal Blue Prize
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