Now I appreciate you hosting and all, but let me show you how this is done.

Turkey schmurkey, where’s the booze? See, you people preaching “food” and “family” and “togetherness” are focused too much on the details. You’ve got to look at the big picture!

We’ve got a four-day weekend to get as blind drunk as possible before we’ve got to stumble back to work on Monday! That’s twice as long as we usually get! Spike the bird! Let’s get some stuffing shooters going here!

Honey, where are you going? I’m bonding with your family!

Wear this shirt: Nonstop starting on Thanksgiving and through leftover season until the gravy stains obscure it entirely.

Don’t wear this shirt: To Memorial Day. Cranberry sauce isn’t a big “Memorial Day” dish.

This shirt tells the world: “I have shirts for all the gluttonous holidays: Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, May Day…all of ‘em.”

We call this color: Fourth Thursday of Navyvember

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