1st place in Derby #196: Amusement Parks, with 1082 votes!

“Evenin’ sir. Can I see your license and registration?”

What? Like, my Driver’s License? I’m on a go-kart.

“Bumper car.”

Bumper car. That’s what I meant. What’s wrong with a little fun at the fair?

“Had a few funnel cakes today, sir?”

No. Well. Two. But what would a funnel cake have to do with-

“I’m gonna need you to step out of the bumper car for me, sir.”

Since when are there cops at the county fair? And on the bumper cars no less?

“I’m not technically an officer of the law, sir, but I am part of a division of TSA and that means I can ruin your life just as easily as the IRS, CIA, or ATF.”

Oh.

“You have any idea how fast you were driving?”

Well…uh, no actually. There’s no speedometer. Wait, don’t they all go the same speed?

“Oooh, a question asker. I see. Have any idea why I stopped you?”

I’m guessing the speeding thing-

“You were weaving all over the road. You even hit somebody back there. Didn’t so much as stop to see if they were okay.”

But…but it’s bumper cars.

“I’m aware of what your vehicle is, sir. I’m wondering if you’re aware of the damage you’ve caused.”

But…but it’s bumper cars.

“You got anything else to say, hot shot? You know you could’ve killed someone out there just now.”

Well, I guess that is technically possible, but I have to say I think it’s highly unlikely that I would’ve-

“I need you to recite Chapter 3 from the novel Hatchet backwards for me, sir.”

What?

“Hatchet, sir. The 1987 Gary Paulsen masterpiece that turns hundreds of thousands of American school children onto reading every year. I need you to recite the third chapter to me, backwards.”

People can DO that?

“Alright sir blow into this.”

That’s an ear of fried corn.

“So you’re refusing to take a breathalyzer test at this time?”

No, I’m just saying I don’t see how an ear of corn is going to-

“Sir turn around and place your hands behind your back. At this time I am placing you under arrest for BWI, that’s Bumping While Intoxicated. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney-”

Ow! OW! You’re twisting my arm really hard! I want an attorney!

“We’ll have either the County Fair Queen or Miss Maple Bar down here in a minute for your representation. Until then you’ll be held in the 4H hog pens.”

This is ridiculous!

“Yeah yeah, you’re out hitting everybody on the bumper car floor and somehow I’m the bad guy. I’m just doing my job, sir.”

Wear this shirt: The next time you’re trying to explain your behavior to a police officer.

Don’t wear this shirt: To your subsequent court date. Spend a little cash and get a decent suit.

This shirt tells the world: “We live in a police state reinforced through corporate hegemony and the only way I had to protest it was by buying a t-shirt.”

We call this color: Navy and Abetting

Back to top