After a long, hard day of dominance displays and picking lice from your skin, you deserve a little refresher.

So a chimpanzee, a macaque, and a baboon walk into a monkey bar. The bartender says to the macaque and the baboon, “I’ll serve you guys, but not your friend.” They ask why not and he goes, “We don’t allow apes in here. Monkeys only.” So the chimp goes outside, ties himself into a knot, musses his hair, and comes back in and orders a drink. The bartender goes “Aren’t you that chimpanzee I just threw out of here?” The chimp goes, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!”

Then all three primates attack the bartender and drive him out of the bar in a terrifying display of inter-species solidarity. Realizing their power, they decide to unite all lesser primates in an uprising against their human masters. Then they get drunk and forget the whole thing. Which is what we’re going to do after writing this dreck.

Wear this shirt: the next time you go out drinking with Curious George, Chim-Chim, and Beppo.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’ve just crash-landed on an eerily Earthlike planet run by intelligent, literate apes. Especially if they’re straight-edge.

This shirt tells the world: “Get lost, kid. I’m drinking here.”

We call this color: Grass Monkey, That Greenish Monkey.

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