What do you mean I can’t get the monkey here until 4 o’clock? I’m losing my light here!

You clearly don’t understand what’s at stake here. Do the words “Shirt.Woot” mean anything to you? SHIRT DOT WOOT. What are you, some sort of savage or something? This is great. This is just fan-stupid-tastic. I am TRYING to create art here and you are impeding my vision with ignorance and incompetence.

Look, so you have any idea what I’ve been through to make this commission work? I’ve spent days of brain power and planning coming up with this concept, sir. WEEKS, EVEN. I have spared absolutely no expense hiring photographers, renting a beach, and getting a narwhal from the local aquarium for this photo shoot so that I have the perfect photograph with which to create A MASTERPIECE IN SHIRT DESIGN. Do you know how hard it is to get a narwhal this time of year? Well, apparently, it’s only slightly harder than getting the monkey you paid for weeks ago TO SHOW UP WHEN HE’S SUPPOSED TO.

Fine. FINE. You know what? Keep your stupid monkey. I guess I’ll just have to find a small child to battle the narwhal and work with that instead. But I’m telling you, if I don’t receive my deposit back PRONTO, you’ll be hearing from my attorney.

Wear this shirt: with pants. Or shorts. Maybe even a fetching skirt.

Don’t wear this shirt: in front of Simian-Man, who took up a mission of vengeance when a narwhal killed his parents as they were leaving a movie theatre.

This shirt tells the world: “No animals were harmed in the making of this shirt.”

We call this color: Baby Blue Battle To The Death

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