Day One: Dear Fitness Journal, Today’s the day I start making good on that stupid New Year’s resolution I made when I was drunk but my wife won’t let me forget about.

I know I’ve said I would get in shape before, but this isn’t going to be like the last ten years. Not this time. I think I’ve finally figured out the trick to dragging myself off the couch! All I needed was a headband, a little wire, and the exquisite motivator that is fried porcine back meats. Honestly, I don’t see why I haven’t thought of it sooner. It’s so simple! It looks a little funny, sure, but who cares? People can laugh when they see me running by if they want. Heck, maybe I’ll laugh with them! I’ll laugh all the way to a healthier me! Wish me luck!

Day One, supplemental: So as it turns out, it’s a little harder not to just reach up and grab the bacon from the headband than I thought it would be. Looks like I’m going to have to rethink this whole exercise scheme. As a side note, though, it looks like my other New Year’s resolution to eat more pork is going splendidly.

Wear this shirt: when you need an added boost of inspiration to keep up with your fitness plan. Or when you want to cook some bacon. Either way works.

Don’t wear this shirt: and then wipe your bacon grease-covered hand all over it, you slob.

This shirt tells the world: “I eat bacon so I can run more. So I can get healthier. So I can eat more bacon. So I can run more…”

We call this color: Better Slate Than Never

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