3rd place in Derby #129: Ancient Egypt, with 699 votes!
HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR MUMMY:
Congratulations on choosing a 21st Dynasty mummy! While it is, of course, a thrill to possess a human corpse from any period, we think you’ll find there’s a level of prestige that comes with owning the dessicated remains of a genuine ancient Egyptian. For example, you can show it off to society types at black-tie events, something you most certainly cannot do with the skull your lowlife metalhead friends stole from a crypt in the local graveyard back in the ‘90s in hopes of making it into a bong.
However, owning a piece of ancient history is also a serious responsibility. Your Egyptian mummy was carefully handcrafted by skilled royal embalmers to resist decomposition long past death. They used the finest local materials, including handwoven textiles, desert sand, beeswax, and artisanal paints. This is why egyptologists sometimes refer to mummies as “Linens ‘N Things.”
One sure way to spoil your mummy is by exposing it to moisture. The dryer the environment, the better, as far as mummies are concerned. When you unwind his wrappings for laundering, DRY CLEAN ONLY.
If he (or she) carries a curse—and many mummies do—your mummy may undergo a process of rudimentary reanimation. The victims of such curses sometimes characterize this process as “coming back to life,” but the expression is misleading. Reanimated mummies cannot conduct conversations, go bowling, cook stir-fry, vote, or do almost any of the things you and I associate with “living.” Instead, they can usually only perform an awkward, shuffling perambulation in the direction of the person who disturbed their rest, and strangle him.
Some especially dexterous mummies may be capable of laundering their own bandages. If yours expresses a desire to do so, you should entrust him with the chore. He is probably kind of particular about how it’s done.
Wear this shirt: into the hereafter, but take a garment bag along too, with something more formal in it, because no one really knows what the hereafter’s dress code is going to be.
Don’t wear this shirt: with a bunch of loosely-wrapped toilet paper and try to pass it off as a Halloween costume.
This shirt tells the world: “Clean up after yourself, your mummy doesn’t work here.”
We call this color: Deshret Red
Back to top