1st place in Derby #244: Breakfast Mascots, with 697 votes!

This city is sick. It lies in its own filth, bleary-eyed and sluggish. It cries out for someone to wipe the sleep from its eyes, someone to perk it up with a nice little caffeine boost. The criminal waste spreads across this city like a contagious yawn in a crowd.

The city is afraid of me. I’ve seen its true face, and it’s tired. The streets are extended stirrers and the gutters are full of coffee grounds and when the drains finally silt over, all the beans will grind. The accumulated hazelnut roasts of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the baristas and politicians will look up and shout, “Save us!”

And I’ll whisper, “That’ll be $4.75 plus tax.”

Wear this shirt: While waiting in line at Starbucks.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you’re ordering a tea.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m that annoying weirdo in the office who still makes jokes about always needing more caffeine.”

We call this color: Caramel Slateiatto

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