Step Into The Triangled Circle
This ain’t a mess. This is a pile of badges. Badges of pride.
See that? That’s the jalapeño that I let fall when I was six chips behind Fartin’ Benny at “Nach V” in 2002. It cost me a tenth of a point but it gave me room for a wad of cheese that tied the chip detritus into an easy-to-swallow ball and let me pull ahead in the final seconds. And that right there, that’s the cheese that flew out of Larry Koldachelli’s beard when the referee had to give him the Heimlich at 2004’s “Sonic Boom Chili-Blast Summer Smash Hungry Jam” outdoor eating festival. I thought Larry was gonna die so hard I was crying, but I never stopped eating. That’s how I was gonna honor him. And when he could breathe again, he totally understood.
Hey, now! Don’t be touching that chip! That chip was laid there by Peters Nacho, the man who actually invented the nacho chip! I met him at the Chomp-A-Round Bowling Alley, Pool Hall, And Competitive Eating Table and he said my twist-and-chew style was the most innovative thing he’d ever seen. Even more than Frannie “Cracked Corn” Pezzdurello-Dubastak! Peters pinned that thing to me and tapped me on the shoulder and I swore to myself I’d never wash this shirt again, from that day forward.
Well, I mean, I scrub the pits with a wire brush, I’m not a slob or anything. I just don’t wash the front. Because, to me, this isn’t a grease stain. This is a battle scar. And a gladiator doesn’t hide his battle scars.
That one? No, that’s just where I dropped some cheese on my belly. Yeah, I’m gonna eat that now. Mmmm, belly cheese.
Wear this shirt: under a bib. Then you take off the bib and everybody’s like WHOAAAA and then they’d get it and laugh about it.
Don’t wear this shirt: to a pie eating contest. It wouldn’t make sense! It’s a totally different style of kung-fu! Specialize, don’t dabble.
This shirt tells the world: “Not My Champ.”
We call this color: There once was a lady quite keen/To eat on the competitive scene/Though she thought she was hungry/Her delicate tummy/Earned her the nickname “Kelly Green”
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