The man who knows the nose
2nd place in Derby #230: Winter Redux, with 879 votes!
A rabbit ran away with your nose and now you need a new one? Well, sir, you came to the right place!
Now, tell me about this old nose you had. A carrot? About 8 inches in length? Well, if you want to buy another one like that, that’s fine; we have plenty of carrots. But a new carrot is not going to be any less appealing to the rabbits, you know what I mean? So, why not try something different?
Over here, we’ve got beets and cucumbers and such if you want to keep the whole vege-nasal thing going while also branching out a little bit. Kind of a modern classical approach, if you will. A little of the old and a little of the new. This here is the jalapeno model. Big seller right now! Says “Hey, I’m a traditional snowman, in that my nose is still a vegetable, but that doesn’t mean I can’t spice things up a little.”
But that’s not all we’ve got to offer. If you’re ready for a full-blown departure from the harvested mid-face protrusion, over here we’ve got chocolate bars, candy canes, waffle cones. It keeps with the whole edible motif while embracing that we as a culture have moved beyond the farming lifestyle. You can say what you will about the calories and the preservatives, but c’mon, these sweet foodstuffs are marvels of modern culinary science! They deserve some respect!
Oh, that rack over there? That’s for truly adventurous types. We’re talking wrench noses, spoon noses, universal remote noses. I’ll tell you which one I like: the egg-beater nose here. It’s a mechanism, a machine, kind of industrial, inhuman, yet used primarily for baking. What better way to show both of your sides? What better way to say, “Yes, I’m a snowman with the emphasis on the man, but I’m also not afraid to show my sensitive side”? Let me tell you, it’ll be a big hit with the ladies.
Carrots? Yeah, they’re back up front.
Wear this shirt: where everybody nose your name.
Don’t wear this shirt: if everybody nose the war is over, and everybody nose the good guys lost.
This shirt tells the world: “I am just a nose-wear man, sitting in my nose-wear land.”
We call this color: Nobody nose what it’s like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind baby blue eyes.
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