We regret to inform you that breakfast is cancelled.

Yes, we know that everyone liked breakfast. In fact, it’s one of the most important things, at least, of the things you eat. But don’t worry about that; we need the time slot that breakfast took to serve other meals, meals that are far more fattening, far less nutritious, meals lacking any subtlety or imagination.

So, please, put down that bowl of delicious fruity cereal. You won’t be allowed to finish it. It’ll just end right there, in the middle. Sure, we’ll try to find a way to wrap it up, to convince you that it was always supposed to be that way, but it won’t work. We’ll say, “No, that spoonful there, that was always intended to be the last!” But it’ll ring hollow.

Just don’t look down at all of the pieces you have yet to eat. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll get to taste those in the improbable event that breakfast returns. Or maybe, you’ll enjoy them in an (equally improbable) extravagant breakfast that runs as long as three or four normal breakfasts put together.

But for now, consider them gone.

Wear this shirt: if you’d like to make certain TV executives disappear via the Aztec Tomb.

Don’t wear this shirt: to the Emmys. Nothing to do with the show; you’d just be under-dressed.

This shirt tells the world: “I actually like being treated like the goofball, the joker, the magician.”

We call this color: I red myself.

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