2nd place in Derby #162: Cryptozoology Redux, with 827 votes!

You can talk about aliens and pixies all you like, but it ain’t ever gonna be real. All those crazy things you see? Them UFOs and ninety foot tall giants and cyclopses and wookalars and half man, half bat crusaders fighting for justice? Swamp gas. Yep, just a ball of sentient swamp gas, ready and willing to take over the world.

That’s why you’ve got to be careful in the swamp. You gotta have a flamethrower, of course, and not just because that’s cool. You gotta have a flamethrower because if that gas sneaks up on you, fire’s the only thing that’s gonna stop it. And even that ain’t gonna stop it for long. Because deep in the center of the Earth, there’s a giant bean burrito, just a’plottin’ how to bring about the downfall of man. And if we ain’t ever vigilant, that burrito’s gonna do it too. So remember! If you’re ever out alone, and you see a noise, you light up a match straight away! Maybe it’s just some nice familiar oxygen comin’ over to be friendly… or maybe… it ain’t.

Wear this shirt: fearlessly. Because he who wears this shirt and knows fear shall burn at the Man-Thing’s touch! See, ladies? This one time, 70’s sexism is a plus. And stop staring at our Man-Thing.

Don’t wear this shirt: and expect you’ll get Alan Moore to sign it. He’s probably moved on at this point.

This shirt tells the world: “I bet there’s a sweet X-Wing under here somewhere.”

We call this color: The Navy Would Be More Fun If They All Had Those Cool Boats With Giant Fans On The Back

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