Boys, boys! Gather around! I got a story to tell you! About my youth.

“Is this the one about Abraham Lincoln again?”

“Yeah, where you told him, ‘shave the mustache part, but leave the rest’?”

No, no. That was my young adulthood. I’m talking about when I was just a little boy, like you two.

“Grandpa, I’m 21. And Seth is 17.”

Would you just shut up and listen already?

“Fine.”

Anyway, this was way back in the day. Before Lincoln, before Washington even. This was back when all the continents were stuck together.

“You mean, like, Pangaea?”

“You’re telling us you were alive for Pangaea?”

First of all, yes, I most certainly was. And second Pangaea’s only what the no-good dirty scientists call it. Us locals called it Americasiacanada .

“Americasiacanada?”

“Weren’t you all locals back then, technically?”

What is with you boys and interrupting? Anyway, back then, I could ride my bike to China for lunch. The food was fantastic! Way better than that buffet place in town, with their heat lamps and their indigestion and their credit card machines that read minds. And that was just one meal, mind you. For dinner it was tacos and enchiladas every night! Because back then Mexico was attached too.

“Kinda like now?”

“Yeah, grandpa, some things never change.”

Wait, maybe it wasn’t Mexico. What’s the one with the big hats and the suspenders and everyone’s got their beards grown way out and it’s clovers and sausages wherever you turn?

“I think you’re mixing cultures, grandpa.”

No, but there were these big casks of something, and they were always pouring it into wine glasses… and I think I was there with your father and one of you as a baby, and… um… What was I talking about?

“You were saying something about Abe Lincoln.”

“Something about how you told him, ‘shave the mustache but…’”

Ah, right, right. I said, ‘shave the mustache but leave the rest of it.’ Bet you didn’t know your old grandpa had such cool friends, huh?

Wear this shirt: while you’re flying across the ocean, and whisper to yourself, “Those were the days.”

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re traveling along any fault lines.

This shirt tells the world: “Get your $#!% together, world.”

We call this color: This ain’t no baby blue; it’s huge!

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