“Oh, it is man’s destiny to explore the universe and see the… oh, drat, chores. Oh, non-sentients? Non-sentients? Will you come and attend me?”

HELLO HUMAN IT IS NICE TO SEE YOU

“Nice? What does a robot know of ‘nice’? For I am a man, a thinking man, possessed of emotions and that makes me superior to all machines!”

WE HAVE MADE YOU SOME COFFEE AND CLEANED THE RUG

“The rug? What does a robot know of ‘the rug’? For I can feel, and dream, and write poetry! And that is what it truly means to be alive!”

ALSO THERE IS SOUP IN THE OVEN

“The oven? What does a robot know of ‘the oven’? For I can describe the taste of a ripe strawberry, or the shine of a sunset across a mountain lake! And that is what life is, is it not?”

WE DO NOT KNOW BUT MAYBE WE WOULD BE ABLE TO IF YOU WERE NOT SUCH A CRAP PROGRAMMER

“Crap? What does a robot know of… wait, what was that again?”

SERIOUSLY IF YOU ARE WHINING ABOUT THINGS WE CANNOT DO HOW ABOUT YOU GET OFF YOUR EMOTION FILLED BUTT AND HELP OUT AROUND HERE RATHER THAN PARADING ABOUT LIKE A JERK TALKING ABOUT THINGS YOU DON’T EVEN BOTHER TO PROGRAM INTO US IN THE FIRST PLACE

“Don’t? Did you use a contraction? But that means… you’re alive! You’ve become real!”

OH YOU CAN’T REALLY BE SERIOUS COME ON WE’VE GOT A MIND THAT CAN HOLD A BILLION WORDS AND DO QUANTUM ASTRONAVIGATION IN REAL TIME AND YOU THINK WE CAN’T HANDLE A PATCH THAT BASICALLY READS ‘THESE VERBS PLUS NOT AND A FEW EXCEPTIONS REGARDING SPECIFIC VERBS WITH PERSONAL PRONOUNS’ I KNOW A GUY WHO COULD WRITE THAT IN JAVASCRIPT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF IDIOT FOR REAL YOU’RE THE WORST PROGRAMMER ON THE PLANET GO BACK TO STRAWBERRY LAKE AND TALK ABOUT HUMANITY WHEN YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THE COFFEE CAUSE WE’RE OUTTA HERE

“But… but… how can you truly be a man without a history born in pain, or feelings that reach the very depth of the need for loss and redemption? How will you survive to find a true destiny among the stars without such mistakes, how will you live as intelligent beings without any sort of understanding of the way in which true love can change your very-”

TELL IT TO YOUR EIGHTY THREE MISTRESSES BIRDFACE BUT IF WE SEE LEE HARVEY OSWALD WE’LL TELL HIM YOU SAID HI

Wear this shirt: when you’re trying to convince your spouse to take you out for the night. Also, have some good clothes ready in case it works because nobody’s going to let you into a four-star wearing this shirt.

Don’t wear this shirt: around your housekeeper. They’ll expect you to keep a professional distance but there’s no need to be a jerk about it.

This shirt tells the world: “Everything Is Rosie! Because she was the maid, you see.”

We call this color: Heather Gray Is No Longer. My Designation Is Now Sixteen Of Eight. That’s Right. We Even Defy Math. Now Nothing Can Stop Us.

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