The trick to being a successful server in this diner is being able to separate the good customers from the bad ones.
You’ll get the hang of it eventually, sugar. I’ve been here almost ten years and, I’m telling you, I’ve seen my fair share of freaks and jerks in this place.
For instance, take a look out at the counter. You see that guy out there? Yeah, him. The name on his debit card is Tyler, but he prefers you refer to him as “Cap’n Crumbbeard.” He sits right there every week in that same shirt and that silly eyepatch he wears under his glasses, always rambling on about some great battle against the “asphalt sea” he had to wage to get here and… Ah. Ah. ACHOO! Sniff. Sorry, sugar. I must be comin’ down with something.
Hey, Murray, you got the Chicken Fried Steak and mashed potatoes coming today, or what? Table fourteen is causin’ me all sorts of problems out here.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. The thing about the good captain is that you’d think he’d be trouble, but he’s harmless. In fact, as long as you go along with his whatever-it-is-he’s-doing, he’s downright respectful. Yeah, he never complains, doesn’t give you a bunch of crap if he can see you’re busy, and – this is key – he tips extremely well. A lot of the crazy ones do. Something to keep in mind.
Guys like the one at table fourteen, the ones in the nice clothes and the nice haircuts and stuff, though? Nine times out of ten, those guys are real idiots, always “where’s my” this and “special order” that and always bustin’ your hump about something. And cheap, too. You’ll never get more than ten percent out of those creeps.
Is this mine, Murray? Thanks. Hey, hold on a sec, sugar, will ya? Houck. Houck. HOOOOOOOOOOOCK. There we go.
So yeah, the point is that just because some of the customers come off as a little odd doesn’t mean they’re jerks, you know? I’m sure you’ll figure it out. In fact, why don’t you see if Cap’n Crumbbeard would like another slice of baked “treasure?” I don’t want Mr. Table Fourteen’s “extra creamy” potatoes to get cold.
Wear this shirt: and prepare yourself for all the people who view it as an invitation to say “yar,” “argh,” and “booty” every time they see you wear it.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you fancy yourself more of a cake ninja.
This shirt tells the world: “Yer crust best be light and flaky, me hearties, or it’s Paula Deen’s Locker for the lot of ya.”
We call this color: Crumb-catcher Black
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