Don’t Question Us, Jerkface, Lest We Get Our Plank
Avast ye, Douglas Shulman! Them 300 men is SO me dependents!
Arrr! Ye be comin’ down like the wrath of the sea upon me bow, but I’ll not be tellin’ ye where my treasure be hid! Because fer starters, you’ll note me gold be listed as a corporate asset, t’be filed against the losses transferred from last quarter’s crash of The Lady’s Mane. Aye, and if ye check the records from that dog of a privateer Dead-Eye Jack, ye’ll see he claimed the cannonballs as a deduction, but failed to note he took me Lady as a prize. Aye, and such a tale might be rewarded with coin, eh? At least, that’s what I been readin’ on ye’s website about information leadin’ to a conviction!
Now, the black-hearted fool saying me parrot wasn’t covered under gifts needs a keelhaulin’, if’n ya ask me. Firstly, me parrot ain’t no gift, it be a fully separate corporate entity created via stock swap that bought out me debt as it prepares for liquidation and second, if ye’d done the homework, ye’d find me cheque for two pieces of eight back three fiscal years ago when I done first bought the egg. Aye, and in the case of appreciation of value, the cost don’t apply until such time as the asset is sold, damn yer eyes.
Now, to be fair, me rhum deduction may seem a bit overestimated, but you’ll note that 35% of it was for the night I got Duke Melonbottom drunk as a fish in order to escape with his daughter and magical candlesticks, which is clearly a business expense. And there’s the receipt for those wenches in Tortuga and since the rest was lost in the battle with those mermaids at Kraken Point… oh, you think there must be some mistake, do ye? Because me numbers only add up to 91%? Well, ye blasted fool, did ye not notice that the circle has a great big patch in the center? Aye, lad, and that patch be coverin’ a missin’ 9%, most likely! And don’t ye be feelin’ foolish now?
There’s two types of people you ain’t wantin’ to go up against in a countin’ contest, laddie. One be intelligence agents. Can ye guess the other? I’ll give ye a hint: he makes his livin’ by dividin’ up treasure, and if he gets it wrong, some mutineer cuts his throat in the night!
Aye, lad, a fine guess. And now, if ye could give me the .4397 ounces of gold I calculate ye owe me for me troubles, and then show me where to find the elevator, I’ll be on me way. Mind if I take one’a them mints to boot?
Wear this shirt: because you want to laugh at all the mathematicians who’ll add up the numbers and complain while missing the incredibly visible math joke that’s pretty much right in the middle of the shirt. In fact, check out our forums and you’ll probably find some of those people right now! Maybe even on the first page!
Don’t wear this shirt: around English majors. They’ll never actually bother to do the math and so they’ll only think it’s a funny pirate shirt and all the subtleties will be lost.
This shirt tells the world: “Stop staring at my booty.”
We call this color: Blackbeard? More like Blackbar’dgraph!
Back to top