“Oh, Mr. Del Monte, you have far bigger questions with which to worry yourself.”

Who are you? What have you done to me? What is this place?!

“Come now, Mr. Del Monte, surely you recognize your own production facility?”

Wha? You don’t understand. We’re such a large corporation. So many facilities-

“So you can pay your goons to mercilessly slaughter my people in the name of your decadent ‘fruit cups’ filled with our blood and torn flesh, but you can’t even bother to deem the altar of your genocide worthy of a visit?”

Who are you? What is this all about?

“My name, Mr. Del Monte, is Ananas Comosus.”

Comosus? You’re the-

“I am many things to many people, Mr. Del Monte. Your American media refer to me as leader of the Bromeliad Liberation Front, a terrorist organization. To my people in Paraguay, I am El Frutador, a hero fighting for their rights and defending their honor. But to you, Mr. Del Monte, I assure you I am the worst thing you will ever face, and the last person you will see in your rapidly-diminishing time on this earth.”

You’re a monster!

“Monster? Me? How many of our women and children are turned into pineapple slices and fruit cups?! One of us is a monster, Mr. Del Monte. But I am only god’s hand of vengeance. Here, tell me how this fruit cup tastes.”

I’m so sorry. I-

“Try it.”

I don’t want to- I’m so sorry! I’m so-

“The damage has been done, Mr. Del Monte! Now will you let their sacrifices stand for nothing?!”

Okay, okay! I’ll eat it! I’ll- What…what is this? This isn’t a fruit cup!

“Are you familiar with the biblical concept of revenge, Mr. Del Monte? An eye for an eye? For every wrong you do, you shall receive it back unto you?”

I- I don’t understand.

“I didn’t understand when I was just a boy and I lost my eye in your death factory before I could escape. My people didn’t understand either as they were fed into the fruit slicers and canned for your snacks.”

I’m so sorry-

“And neither did your wife and three children.”

Oh, god no. Oh please no! You can’t do this to me!

“You have done this to yourself. Be sure to enjoy the syrup, Mr. Del Monte. We don’t want you to regret not finishing your last meal. After all, you’re next.”

Wear this shirt: At your next fruit-based protest.

Don’t wear this shirt: On your tour of the Pineapple Juice factory. Go with something inconspicuous.

This shirt tells the world: “The scourge of globalism is delicious and packed with Vitamin C.”

We call this color: It’s me you want, not my white and kids!

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