3rd place in Derby #450: Freedom with 154 votes
IN CONGRESS, July 4th, 1776.
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of America.
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation, and holy crap, this is a long sentence. Is anyone still reading this? Hello? Echo, echo, echo? So it's just me, eh? Sweet. Then, you know what, enough of this declaration stuff; I've got some things I want to float out there, questions that have for too long gone unanswered. Like how come some nuts grow on trees and others don't? And why are pine nuts so expensive? They're not even a top 10 nut. Also, why aren't tuxedo cats called penguin cats, or why aren't penguins called tuxedo birds? Real quick insert in case people are scanning: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Can I confess something? One time, as a child, I took a copy of Highlights magazine out of the pediatrician's waiting room, just walked right out with it. I didn't mean to, per se, but I also didn't NOT mean to, you know what I mean? And so I took it home and hid it under my bed, and then years later, when I was cleaning things out to head to college I found it and was filled with guilt. How'm I doing on time here? Is this looking long enough to be an official document for a burgeoning nation? Here are some words I know: car, finesse, transgression, tribulation, harp, friend, enemy, bleep blorp bloop blorp. I often stay more hydrated when I have a straw to drink out of. What does that say about me? Am I weak-willed person that I need a straw to take in water at a healthy rate? Or does it say something about the cup? Like, why aren't there adult sippy cups? I'd buy one. You can count on that. Hear me potential adult sippy-cup manufacturers? I'm saying you've got one customer already. Okay, this is looking pretty long now. Time for the outro in five, four, three, two, and for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Back to top
