Primitive Man

by deepspacemonkey

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Welcome back to the History Channel!

"Tonight: a basic cable special you won’t want to miss, as we shed new light on our prehistoric ancestors.”

The rise of mankind is literally the greatest triumph in the history of any species we know. Scientists examining fossil evidence and the remains of ancient civilizations try to piece together how our ancestors lived, but even the experts can be thrown for a loop when new evidence appears that doesn’t fit conventional wisdom and theories.

Like now.

A shocking new archeological find in the hills of present-day France shows evidence that Cro-Magnons, the oldest known humans of the Late Stone Age, were startlingly more advanced than we’d ever thought possible, both culturally and scientifically.

“We have discovered artifacts showing that these early humans had technology, not only advanced compared to what we’d expect, but comparable to the tools and systems used by modern man as recent as the 1960s.”

Meet Lisa Garza, a Paleoanthropologist with the University of Iowa who’s been studying the artifacts and remains found at the dig site. Her theories have certainly raised some eyebrows in the scientific community, but she insists the evidence supports her hypothesis.

“We now know, through carbon dating, that our earliest ancestors were traveling in vehicles!” What does she have to support such a claim? The most intact fossilized remains of any hominid ever discovered: feet. Not just any feet, though. Feet with actual tissue still on them. The skin long ago petrified, but what remains are callouses. Incredibly thick, calloused tissue that would not be impossible to grow without incredible friction. Friction only present at speeds of up to 45 mph or more. From that we can infer that Cro-Magnons used their feet to power primitive cars made of lumber and rock.

But as impressive as that may seem, four-wheeled wagons have been unearthed dating as far back as 3500 BCE. The foot-powered car pales in comparison when held up against even more intriguing pieces.

“We have unearthed primitive devices to play music using a pteranodon’s beak similar to the needle on a record player. In addition, we now have evidence that Cro-Magnons not only practiced animal husbandry, they utilized mammoths as their own shower systems. They also had a primitive phone system constructed from shells and rocks, drive-in movie theaters, and bowling alleys for entertainment.”

Of course life in the European Upper Paleolithic era wasn’t easy, even with all their advanced conveniences.

“We have also uncovered primitive art indicating some family groups had trouble keeping saber-toothed cats out of their homes at night.”

Wear this shirt: While screaming at your spouse; but make sure to do it in a hilarious, Jackie Gleason-kind-of way and not the usual way where the cops show up.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you’re not prepared to repeatedly explain to people that no, that’s not his junk, it’s just the contour of his suit against his thighs.

This shirt tells the world: “You ever stop and think about what The Flintstones smelled like? Well lean in and let me give you a hug; you’ll see.”

We call this color: From the – town of Bedrock – you’ll be ordering a shirt that’s Creme

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Pantone Colors:
715C - 158C - 279C - Warm Grey 7C - 732C

Standard Brand:

  • Standard fit (slightly boxy, a little loose)
  • Fiber Content: 4.5 oz 100% Combed Ringspun Cotton
  • Manufactured In: Honduras/Nicaragua
  • Printed In: Carrollton, Texas, USA

Premium Brand:

  • Slimmer fit (if you like a looser fit, order one size up from your usual size)
  • Fiber Content: 4.2 oz 100% Combed Ringspun Cotton
  • Manufactured In: USA, Central America, Vietnam or Bangladesh
  • Printed In: Carrollton, Texas, USA

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Primitive Man by deepspacemonkey
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