1st place in Derby #192: Woodcuts, with 882 votes!

It’s the Senior Spring Formal, babe. We’ve been through a lot of crazy stuff, you know? Like that time my buddy Jason ate 10 Double Decker Tacos at the Taco Bell. Or that time I accidentally spilled root beer in your mom’s Civic. Wow. It seems like just yesterday we were nervous about our locker assignments as Freshmen, but that was three whole years ago.

So here’s what I wanted to say, baby. I love you. I want to be with you. And I know that no matter where life takes us, even though we know you’re going to go to NYU or something and become a fashion designer or the next Lady Gaga and I’m going to win a national championship at a big state school before playing shortstop for either the Giants or the Cubs depending on who offers me more money, we’re going to be together forever. That’s why even though we’re only 17 I’m pledging my eternal love and devotion. Forever.

And that’s why I think we should do it.

What? Where are you going? Come on! Oh my god the guys totally said you’d react this way. What?! Only Ryan and Jason and Tim and Suraj and the other Ryan and Scott. Oh like you don’t talk about me with your friends. You are so selfish! I swear, we’ve been going out for like three WEEKS and I don’t have one braggable sexual conquest yet! This is ridiculous!

Yeah? Well I hate you anyway! You’re so stupid! And everyone thinks I can do better than you anyway, I don’t know why I even stuck around! Yeah, we’ll see what your best friend Jill thinks! I’M TEXTING HER RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID JERK! I want my jacket back AND my Green Day CD. I was a fool to think you’d ever truly understand those lyrics on the level I do. Whatever! I HOPE YOU HAVE THE WORST SENIOR YEAR EVER! I HOPE YOU DIE!

Awwwww, baby. See what you do to me? See how much I love you?

Wear this shirt: If you’re on a mission to complete the “My wardrobe is entirely by patrickspens” set.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you’re seriously planning on marrying your high school sweetheart.

This shirt tells the world: “Slow down, Sparky. Some of us have better plans.”

We call this color: We’ll get married as soon as I get my first shore leave from the Navy.

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