Girl, You’ll Be An Entree Soon
3rd place in Derby #209: Fairy Tales, with 823 votes!
Yes, darling, you DO look tough standing there with your sword, but you know what? Here’s the thing about swords: look cool, take a while to operate. You can talk all you want to about how the Japanese fold their katanas six million times, but if they really had the stopping power you pretend they do, the military would still be using them. And what does the military use? What’s that? Yes, absolutely, the military uses machine guns.
And that’s not even pointing out the limitations of fighting while wearing a cape and hood. You go down to the local dive bar and ask anybody with a bottle scar what strategy they’d pick first. Either they’ll say “I’d grab the five foot handle that limits mobility and vision” or they won’t answer because they’re hoping to jump you as soon as you look the other way. Incidentally I glossed over the part where you’ll be fighting in high heels because, really, it wouldn’t really change anything even if you were in combat boots.
Why is that you ask? Because maybe, MAYBE you could stand there in your cape and sword and beat some human. Why not, right? Even Bruce Lee understood that sometimes a person just has the worst day of his life. Maybe you’ll get lucky, or the dude will take pity on you or something. But you won’t be facing off against a human today. You’ll be facing off against a wolf. And here’s the thing about wolves: when you see one, you don’t see the other five coming up behind you.
Mix this with the part where your outfit is very very clean, and your hair seems awfully nice, and there’s not even a spot on those shoes, and that neatly torn cape has as much “battle damage” as a pair of pre-distressed designer jeans, and overall, I’d say your chances of winning against a +2 housecat are about one in four… billion.
No, no, I’m not stopping you, I’m just suggesting maybe you go down to the cellar and clean out my rat problem for a few hours first. You know, to level up? Hey, why are you getting so mad? A tough warrior like you shouldn’t have such a thin skin. Also, did you forget to bring something to put that sword in when you’re not using it? Or did they not sell a My Chemical Romance scabbard at your local Hot Topic?
Wear this shirt: while watching Sean Bean in the Red Riding Trilogy. It’s good, but boy, will it get bleak.
Don’t wear this shirt: out of my house with a hemline like that. Are you kidding me, young lady? We’re going to Grandmama’s, not some kind of trashy strip club! And where did you even get that outfit? Did some creepy stranger buy that for you online? You march right back to your room immediately and put on something decent or you are grounded, do you hear me? And don’t slam your door!
This shirt tells the world: “And THAT’S for interrupting the Teddy Bears’ Picnic!”
We call this color: But Maybe She Has Cybernetic Eyes To See The Web And The Wolf Behind Her Is Like A Data Ghost And That Sword Is A USB Stick And So It’s All Cyberpunk, Which Would Explain All The Asphalt In The Woods
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