Alright! I told you guys this was going to be a fun adventure!
1st place in Derby #181: Mazes and Labyrinths, with 1005 votes!
Hey Gary, I thought you said you were the “toughest DM around,” man. Even Lloyd’s Level 1 Cleric got a kill against those stupid goblins! It really took you three months to build this module? I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a stupid set of corridors filled with wimpy goblins.
“Patience, Ellarine the Elf-”
When you’re talking to ME, call me Mark. I agreed to pick a stupid elf name if you would only use it in context.
“Fine, MARK. Your character, ELLARINE, and the rest of your party have come across a large tower. There seems to be no entrance, though its many spires could offer footing to an experienced hand with a grappling hook. What will you do?”
Dave, your- What the? Dave? DAVE?!
“WHAT? I’M GETTIN’ A BEER.”
GET IN HERE AND BE YOUR THIEF FOR A MINUTE.
“Christ, FINE. What? What do you need me to do? I’m hiding in shadows.”
You CAN’T hide in shadows unless you’re perfectly still.
“There would also need to be shadows around.”
“Fine, whatever. Where are we at? The tavern?”
That was like two hours ago! Jeez. Just climb this tower and find a way out of the maze for us.
“Sure. I do that.”
“You can’t just say ‘I do that,’ man. You gotta roll.”
“Ugh, again with this &%$#ed up dice thing. Fine. I grapple up to the top.”
“What’s your dexterity?”
“What? I don’t know. Thief.”
Your SHEET, man. Look at your SHEET.
“Oh. Is 17 good?”
“Okay, your roll allows you to reach the top of the tower. Below you stretches a vast, Byzantine labyrinth so complex you can’t decipher a safe route. As you pan your gaze upward, though, you notice…let me roll here…oooh, FIVE hulking goblin monstrosities, each taller than the very tower upon which you’re perched. They are lumbering toward your party.”
What? Are you &%$#ing serious?
“Roll for initiative, Dave.”
“Okay, the giant sun-eclipsing behemoths will attack first. What’s everyone’s armor class?”
&%$# you, Gary.
Wear this shirt: While dusting off your copy of “Shadow of the Colossus.” Live the dream!
Don’t wear this shirt: During an actual attack by giant unholy monsters. White stands out and is easily noticed.
This shirt tells the world: “In MY version, Don Quixote was right.”
We call this color: At least it’s not a level-draining White
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