3rd place in Derby #195: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, with 803 votes!

Guys. Wait. Up. I. Can’t. Catch. My. Breath!

huff huff huff

Whew! JEEZ this sucks. I gotta say when I had pictured this going down in my head it wasn’t nearly so difficult. I figured zombies break out, I drive down to the local gun store, find an unheard-of collection of illicit assault rifles and shotguns, steal a cool SUV, and start looking for babes to save. I had no idea it would involve so much running and screaming and abject terror.

I couldn’t even get that stupid .22 to work; the damn thing jammed. I had no idea guns could DO that! I thought it was basically point and click. Turns out guns are heavy and kind of difficult to aim and it’s really hard to hit an undead brainpan with any accuracy. And these things triangulate sound so well you can’t even sit long enough to catch your breath before they’re tearing down your ramshackle barricades.

You know, I always figured a lifetime of fast-twitch video game shooters had prepared me for this day. Turns out it’s a lot less about shooting things and a lot more about being physically active. I know, right? Who knew?

I have to keep venturing into town to try and scavenge old canned food because I don’t know how to grow anything. My zombie combat options are basically “flee in terror” because I never learned how to operate a firearm and I get winded after two swings of this baseball bat. I can’t even get access to clean water so now I’ve got intestinal distress on top of all of it. It’s cold at night and hot during the day and there’s no power to run an A/C unit or central heating or god forbid a freakin’ Xbox.

What the hell was I thinking? This isn’t fun at all. This is hard!

Wear this shirt: While hitting the gym and maybe taking some basic survival or first aid courses. Just, y’know, in case.

Don’t wear this shirt: If you’re just going to shamble around biting people.

This shirt tells the world: “Forget the gun store. I’m heading to the bicycle shop.”

We call this color: We’re going to die here and it’s all my Asphalt!

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