Sir Modosbane, I’m your appointed attorney. Pleased to meet you.

Now, I am aware you only speak Olde Englishe, but that’s very much like Modern Lawyer so we should have no language barrier issues between us. I want to go over a few things about this exciting new world you’re in today. I understand that you were brought here by a “strange bewitching at the hands of Lady Morgaine”? Yes, well, we’ll look into that, it could help in the civil suit. But you have to be aware that there are laws here, just like there were in your time, and there are things you simply won’t be able do.

First of all, dragons are no longer an evil force possessed of great intelligence. No, Sir Modosbane, not these days. There’s this thing called “selective breeding” and… okay, you know how your beloved King is mighty and powerful and just? Yes, well, imagine tomorrow he marries his cousin, and they have a child, and the child goes and marries HIS cousin, and this happens for twenty generations straight, and then… exactly, big ears and an overbite. And that’s the dragons we’ve got today. They’re slovenly and gluttonous and are perfectly happy to sit in a cage and eat rotting meat all day while we stare at them for fun. We don’t have to fight them at all now. That is to say, as long as we don’t break the glass, which I think I can convince the court you simply didn’t understand. No, no, don’t say a word about when glass was invented, I have no idea, and if I don’t know, I don’t have an ethical issue saying you don’t know either. Understand?

Okay, well, for right now, you’ll be released on bail, which I got by selling your mint condition antique shield, but you’ve got a couple rules to keep in mind. One, you can’t be within thirty feet- sorry, fifty hog’s heads -of any kind of lizard until this thing is settled. No skinks, no salamanders, and, obviously, no dragons at all. Secondly, you’ll have to leave your armor off for the time being. And no sword. Oh, it’s enchanted? Can it talk? Well… that might make it sentient, in which case… Sir Modosbane, would you be willing to testify against your sword? Maybe say it pressured you into… no, no, calm down, Sir Modosbane, it was just a suggestion. Boy, you’ve got a lot to learn about the justice system, I’ll tell you that right now.

Wear this shirt: to the zoo! It keeps security on their toes.

Don’t wear this shirt: around skeletons, vampires, ghouls, bog creatures, hippogriffs, evil wizards or hipster princesses unwilling to admit they’re just waiting to be rescued.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m just like Sharon Stone’s Stupid Ex-Husband!”

We call this color: What Kind Of Hero Makes A Little Girl Drop Her Ice Creme Take Him Away Boys

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