You hear people say they’re “turning over a new leaf”. But where did they get that old leaf in the first place? There’s only one place leaves come from, you know. And it doesn’t stop there.

Evil books. Evil toothpicks. Even evil maple syrup. Our whole planet relies on trees. Maybe most of them have our best interest at heart, but certainly not all of them. They’ve even brainwashed some of our most attractive men and women. Those poor souls could have been scientists or pro athletes or gas station attendants but instead? Now they just want to lie in a forest and hug our evil inner-ringed manipulators.

Maybe we could have put a stop to it when we were just protoplasm but now, well, we’ve just given them too much time to take control. They’ve enslaved us, you see. Addicted us to that drug they call “oxygen”. When they go, we go. Fiendishly clever. But they won’t take me. When I exhale my last breath, I’ll be underwater. And all my decaying nitrogen will fertilize the seaweed. Take that, you shade-bringers!

This shirt was designed by: Nicolas Lypowy, who is one half of The Mustache Press. And as we know, all people with mustaches are evil. Especially the Pringles guy. Did you know his name was Julius? And he probably owned a tree.

Wear this shirt: when you go see the blockbuster smash hit “The Happening”!

Don’t Go See “The Happening”. Seriously. Just let the man’s career dissolve quietly.

This shirt tells the world: “I Think That I Will Never See/Oh God, Please, Someone, Come Help Me!”

We call this color: Triffid White

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