3rd place in Derby #494: Anthropomorphic Everyday Objects with 115 votes!

ACT 2, SCENE 1: In the fridge.

KALE: Mary Watermelon, a noodle have been found inside this potpie.

MARY WATERMELON, bewildered: Why I meant no ham by it, sir.

CROCKPOT, quickly: You stuck that noodle in yourself?

MARY WATERMELON: I--I believe I did, sir I--

CROCKPOT, to KALE: What say you now?

KALE, watching Mary Watermelon closely: Child, you are certain this be your natural memory? May it be, perhaps that someone conjures you even now to say this?

MARY WATERMELON: Conjures me? Why no sir, I am entirely myself, I think. Let you ask Susanna Walcod—-she saw me stewin’ it in cocotte. Or better still: Ask Crabby, Crabby sat beside me when I made it.

CROCKPOT, to Kale and Chèvre: Bid him begone. Your mind is surely sautéed now. Bid him out, Mr. Kale.

EGGLIZABETH: What signifies a noodle?

KALE: Mary—-you charge a cold and cruel mustard on Crabigail.

MARY WARREN: MUSTARD! I charge no—-

KALE: Crabigail was stewed tonight; a noodle were found stuck into her jelly—-

EGGLIZABETH: And she charges me?

KALE: Aye.

EGGLIZABETH, breathless: Why—-! The girl is mustard! She must be whipped out of the world!

END SCENE 2

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