You’re walking along, thinking, “Man, this backpack is killing me!” But then you remember, you didn’t bring your back pack…

You stop abruptly, right there in the middle of the sidewalk, and stand very still. Something’s on your back, but you don’t know what. You take a deep breath. What’s that you smell? Coconut oil? Think: what do you know about coconut oil? Well, it’s an oil. From coconuts. And ninjas use it to shine their swords. And…

Hold on! You just figured it out! There’s a ninja on your back!

He must have grabbed onto you somewhere. But where? Where could he have possibly come from? You’ve only been three places today: your apartment, the grocery store, and that creepy old feudal-style dojo with the “No Trespassing Sign.”

Yeah, probably the grocery store. Ninjas gotta eat too, right?

But hey, that’s not important. What’s important is that you don’t panic. Well, you can panic a little bit. This is a ninja we’re talking about. A cloaked assassin. He’s not going to be like, “This guy didn’t panic; maybe I’ll just leave.” If he wants you, he’s going to get you. So you have every right to panic a little bit. But not too much. Not like you should run around, flailing your arms, screaming, “NINJA ON MY BACK! NINJA ON MY BACK!”

So yeah, just don’t over-do the panicking. Or, at least, don’t let him sense that you’re panicking. Or don’t-

WAIT A MINUTE, CAN NINJAS READ MINDS???

Oh crap, if they can, just forget it! It’s over! This ninja’s been listening to this whole thing about trying not to panic, and now he knows you are absolutely panicking! You’re done! Doomed! Dead! Kaput!

Hey now, get yourself together, man! Now you’re panicking even more about him knowing that you’re panicking but the truth is, you don’t know if he even knows you’re panicking, so just take it down a notch!

So what do you do now? Well, you’re going to need to test him to see if he can read minds. But how? Maybe you could think about something really funny; if the ninja can read minds, you’ll hear laughter from over your shoulder.

Oh, you know just what to think about: that video that you saw on the internet! The one where the baby that goes after the cat, and the cat swipes at the baby but misses, and then the baby falls on the cat just as it’s trying to run away. Oh man! That video is hilarious!

You’re thinking about it now. You don’t hear any chuckling from behind you. But how could you, over your own uproarious laughter! You just can’t get enough of it! You’re laughing so hard you’re crying! Oh man! That cat! That baby! SO GOOD!

Amid your guffaws, a moment of clarity: what if this is what the Ninja’s been waiting for, a moment like this, the moment you’re least expecting his wrath, and then SLASH, it’s light’s out? Do you really your last thought to be about some stupid video on the internet?

You imagine some doctor doing your autopsy. He hooks up your brain to some computer that reads its final waves and compiles your dying thoughts. That’s when your parents burst into the lab. “We just can’t handle it, doc! We need to know, what was our boy thinking about in his last moments on this Earth?” shouts your dad. And the doctor says, “Well, you know that video of the cat and the baby…” You brace yourself, awaiting your parents’ embarrassment on your behalf.

But the doctor can’t even make it through the whole thing! Because he starts laughing when he gets to the part about the cat swiping at the baby! And your parents are laughing too! And you’re laughing again! Everyone loves that video!

Maybe this isn’t such a bad way to go out? In fact, can you think of a better way? No! So, it’s decided! You’ll stand here, replaying that video of the cat and the baby over and over in your head until that ninja finally chooses to do you in! And you’ll die smiling! And everyone who comes to your funeral will think, “Wow, he sure looks so peaceful there, with that big goofy grin on his face.” Yes, you’re ready for it now! Nothing’s gonna get you down right now! You’re completely comfortable now! Well, except your shoulder is a little itchy under that strap…

Wait, what strap? Oh hey, you did wear your backpack to the grocery store after all! And now that you think about it, you went to there to buy coconut oil! So all that thinking was for nothing, huh? All along you thought you were in danger, but you were just being forgetful! Silly you!

Although, you’re not totally relieved because if you can smell the coconut oil, it must mean it’s leaking. But how could it be leaking? Unless, of course, it was sliced open… BY A NINJA SWORD!

Wear this shirt: backwards, if you have friends who are scared of surprises.

Don’t wear this shirt: backwards and inside out. Because then the ninja will have easy access to your heart.

This shirt tells the world: “I’m bringing ninjas back. Them other boys don’t know how to act.”

We call this color: Kelly Green Belt

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