UFC fighting? That’s nothing. You gotta check out “Tidal Tumble.”

So there’s no ring, okay? There are just these giant sprawling underwater arenas called “oceans.” And there are no people, just creatures who lie at various points along the real-to-mythical spectrum. There are boats too, but no one cares about the boats. Except maybe if one sea creature throws a boat at another sea creature. Then everyone cares about the boats, especially the people on the boats.

Who usually wins? That’s the exciting part: no one! It’s a lose for everyone! Maybe Godzilla beats Poseidon one day, or Nessie pummels a whale. Well think about it: what do they have left to live for then? They’re creatures built for inter-ocean combat. Eliminating their enemies means that they’ve essentially eliminated their chief means of pleasure and purpose. They will not live a life of triumph. They will wander aimlessly, with nothing but an empty heart, and a full stomach. Full of boats that is.

Basically, what I’m saying is the boats lose worst of all.

Wear this shirt: to your class on Chaos Theory.

Don’t wear this shirt: scuba diving. Your diving mates will be very disappointed at how boring the real ocean is by contrast.

This shirt tells the world: “This shirt’s not big enough for the six of us. Seriously. It’s not. Read the sizing chart.”

We call this color: Navy, or as I like to call it, our man in the fight for control of the sea.

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